


Peeled Banana

by citrusfriend



Series: Poetry [17]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asian Character(s), Biracial Character, Body Dysphoria, Dysfunctional Family, Estrangement, Filipino Character, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized racism, Personal Growth, Poetry, Recovery, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, Trans Character, blink and you miss it reference to childhood sexual abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:42:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24226801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citrusfriend/pseuds/citrusfriend
Summary: They tell meI should be glad I look white,as if my Asian heritage is something to be ashamed of,as if I will only be successful because I am white-passing.
Series: Poetry [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1320233
Kudos: 6





	Peeled Banana

They tell me

I should be glad I look white,

as if my Asian heritage is something to be ashamed of,

as if I will only be successful because I am white-passing.

But unfortunately for my trans ass,

white

is the only thing I will ever pass for.

And yes, I know that my fellow Asians experience

so much more oppression than me because I

can get away with lying about my race,

lying about my face,

to avoid confrontation, but

after 16 years of that constant denial

in order to be elected 'not guilty' in a rigged trial,

I started to forget that I was ever Asian

in the first place.

I don’t look like I should.

Who am I

to claim my history, my culture, my identity,

then I can pass as white?

Because I am white.

I disowned my Asian father

before I condemned my white mother, after all, 

so doesn't that just make me racist?

I don’t look like I should.

Who am I

to embrace my country, when I don’t talk to,

let alone embrace,

the father who came from that country

in the first place?

When I will never again speak to any of my Asian relatives face to face?

When everytime I say 'I am Asian,'

what I really mean is 'survivor'

because I will never think of myself as Filipino

without having to also remind myself that  _ no, _

I am not still my father's gigolo.

I don’t look like I should.

Who am I

to own the heritage my father gave me,

when that was the only good thing he ever gave me?

I don’t look like I should.

It’s not that I hate looking white,

I just wish I could love being Asian

without feeling like a fraud.

I don't look like I should.

But on my best days,

I call myself both Asian and survivor

without feeling like a liar,

and on my worst days,

I am no less than both Asian

and survivor

regardless.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2016 and edited and revised 5/11/2020


End file.
